Life is confusing. So is communication. Especially – in my own humble experience – with the opposite sex. Because the sex part always gets in the way, even when you’re not having it. It’s the pink elephant in the room no one is talking about.
And then there’s the problem that we all have our own way of communicating, a highly personal strategy developed over years of (awkward) social interaction, influenced by character, a few childhood traumas and upbringing.
We start trying to find ways to show things, instead of actually saying them. We send out signals or signs, or at least that’s what we think we’re doing.
Because it’s possible you have been sending out signals for months showing that you’re interested in a guy, while the guy has no clue whatsoever. That’s the problem with this kind of subtle interaction: even if it’s clear in your head what you’re doing, it’s not necessarily that clear anywhere else.
I think the great and awful truth is that none of us actually speak sign language, although all of us pretend we do. Somehow we all seem to have gotten a different manual. As a result a person being rude to you could actually be interested, and a person being really affectionate could just be a really affectionate person who has never thought of you in that way.
And to complicate things even more, there’s also the “socially acceptable behavior”: boys should not show too many emotions (sissy!) or give too many compliments (“what a player” or even “o my God he wants to marry her!”).
Girls cannot be too assertive (needy!) or be too outspoken (man-hater!). Of course, this too is a 50 shades of grey area and depends on your culture, country and a million other things. It’s a confusion wonderland!
There are also those who take advantage of all of the confusion. The boy who says subtle things that make girls think he’s really interested and may want to – dare I say it – go steady; only to back out after having been with the girls in all sorts of intimate positions (both sexually and emotionally), clarifying that right now he’s not looking for a serious relationship, but maybe we can still be (fuck) buddies?
And of course there are the girls who know a boy is really into them and who give little bits and pieces of false hope to selfishly keep them around because they enjoy the attention.
So basically being single is a death trap that can make you paranoid about your own behavior as well as that of others. Where your behavior is seen as spontaneous and fun by some, others might fear that you’re already planning a summer wedding in your head.
The real winners in this game could be the people in a relationship. They don’t have to worry about “what it all means” because it can’t really go anywhere. They can just enjoy the flirting without all of the social anxiety (“was this a sign that he likes me? Was that a sign that he’s not at all into me?”)
Of course it is very scary to actually say how you feel using words and everything, especially when you’re feeling a whole lot. And even if you try to explain, the message can still get lost. But I still think it is better to try than to keep it all in. Trying is very brave and who knows, it might be a relief to get it out there. Let the other person deal with it for a change. After all, having lovey dovey feelings for someone is a huge compliment. And giving a compliment is always a beautiful idea.
Ruth Van de steene 