The semi-enlightened man

Let me tell you something about a kind of man I keep meeting recently; I call him the semi-enlightened man. It’s a guy who, when you meet him, is quite charming. He’s quick to pay you compliments, teases, and seems outgoing. All good fun. Then, if you end up talking some more and maybe even agreeing to meet each other for a drink, you find out a bit more about him. He often seems to be open to some self-reflection, seems to think about life. What a relief! It is always nice to meet a person who ponders his existence and doesn’t go running for the hills the moment someone utters the words “feelings” or “spiritual”.

Maybe he’s interested in Buddhism and shows you pictures of his recent trip to Thailand and the prayer bracelets he wears. He has gone on two-day retreats with other, searching people. He tells you he went to Greece to reconnect mind to body with a massage course. All nice, I applaud you. So far so good. We’re all improvising our way through life, aren’t we? So when I meet someone who’s honest about it and tries to… get to know himself better in order to connect on a deeper level with others, I’m happy as a clam! Waiter, keep the drinks coming!

He goes on to tell you he is very interested in the psyche of women and that relationships are the most beautiful thing. “Finally”, I think, “a man whose focus isn’t only on the more southern parts of the female body!” He says sex and intimacy are not necessarily the same thing. He wants to live an authentic life, not one others have designed for him. Inspiring indeed.

Then he tells you some of the most beautiful women he had sex with, just lay there. That men don’t like models, too skinny. They like women who are softer and feel good about themselves and thus are able to let go in bed. He says you find out how a woman is in life by how she is in bed. He repeats he loves relationships but that he is very much enjoying his freedom at the moment. And if you want to come back to his place to watch a movie. Wait, what?! So all of the sudden my enlightened man wants no-strings-attached, casual sex?

And thus I find out that enlightenment can very quickly become a mindfuck (pun intended).

Now, of course I love that men like women who feel good in their own skin, but if the main reason they like it is because it improves their sex life, what with all the wild, letting-go-type intercourse they’re having with the girl, then I think we have a huge problem. As if a woman’s self-confidence should exist first and foremost to please a man. In bed. It stresses me out so much when men talk about sex like that. Like it’s a performance. Woman-performing-for-man-wise.

Maybe the reason the beautiful girl was just ‘laying there’, is because she didn’t feel very at ease or comfortable with a man whom she sensed was secretly grading her. Sharing your body with someone for the first time is extremely intimate and requires a leap of faith. You trust that the person you’re sharing yourself with, will appreciate you. Not grade your performance while you’re naked and vulnerable.

So what if all the self-reflective, spiritual talk is actually just about getting a girl in bed, so she can start her free spirited performance for Mr. Enlightenment?

I’m afraid that the semi-enlightened man exists, and sometimes I don’t figure him out on time. This guy is so busy talking about how in touch he is with himself and life, that he often doesn’t even see you. He doesn’t hear you. Yet he thinks he has you all figured out and, of course, likes to share that wisdom with you. He tells you that you’re afraid to loose control, for example. Because obviously he knows you better than you know yourself, having spent twenty seconds with you, mainly talking about himself and his path to enlightenment.

The kind of enlightenment I’m interested in is actually very different and quite simple: you put love in the equation. You realize how incredibly intimate it is to be with someone, so you’re happy when you’re with that special lady, even if she is just laying there. Give it some time. You’re both opening up, daring the greatest risk of all, to be vulnerable. Equally. Sincerely. No performance, just two very brave people, growing together in shared intimacy. That’s the kind of enlightenment we should be seducing each other with. Because if you ask me, it’s sexy as hell.